Date: Sun, 19 May 2002 22:34:18 -0400

My chosen life is that of a secular nun.

I have no belief in any god, no use for chastity, no concept of obedience, and poverty gets in the way of my preferred vows.

But I need a solitary and contemplative life, silence, time to think and use my own mind in my own ways for my own pleasure. Instead I have stress and mandatory overtime, rent and utilities, coworkers who try to talk to me at 6 a.m. and who spend their own time in pursuit of mindlessness.

I spent a week by myself again recently and got a quick taste of what I'd had before. I didn't know if I'd readjust but of course I went back, a fish into water. A few hours salvaged from a week of work to try to be myself again. Looking back at pictures of the dead.

I guess a kind of chastity did help maintain the silence.

I keep a resignation letter on my computer at work. All I would have to do is type in the dates, sign it, and hand it in. But then I'd have to find another job soon. Rent and utilities. And I'm competent, rather than employable.

I used to refuse to speak at work, but then I was promoted a few times.

There is no place for quiet contemplation here.

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