Date: Tue, 2 Mar 2004 19:48:14 -0500

I wish he'd go to bed. He sits at his desk outside the kitchen, and if I go downstairs to get something to eat I'll have to go past him. Then he'll want a hug and I don't want to hug him.

If I refuse, there will be a nasty confrontation and I don't want that. I'm tired and it will be ugly. At worst, he'll cry and deny everything, try to twist it all to blame me, make me out to be the villain for making him suffer. I've been unhappy for three years, I think. And I don't want to hug him.

Hugging him would express affection and would be dishonest. Right now I feel very little towards him - just reluctance.

How much rejection should affection survive? Over and over and over. But he never realizes it's registered with me. The last straw fell long ago, I feel, but if it did why was I still trying so hard so recently?

I don't care now.

I'm hungry. He's still awake. I'll wait.

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