Date: Sun, 2 Sep 2001 18:58:25 -0400

The annoying thing about being told I possibly (probably) have MS is that all unusual sensations get questioned in that light. Is my leg asleep or is it MS? Is my hand cold or is it MS?

I've still not got all the feeling back in my right hand and I still can't do some things without looking at my hand. I've started to use my left hand much more and I suppose in a way that's good as long as I can use my right hand to write and type and work a mouse. For a while couldn't even hold a pen and my hand went spastic trying to use a mouse. I couldn't type because I couldn't feel my fingers hitting the keys.

I've still not decided if this is better or worse than when my legs went numb (one at a time) and I could barely walk or drive and fell down a lot. I suppose now I could get a cane for that if it happens again and not feel melodramatic.

It was odd driving with my hand numb. I kept getting my fingers in the way of the wheel and not noticing and then wondering why the car wasn't going where I wanted and so I'd keep pulling. I would look and only then find my fingers caught in the way. I started driving left-handed when I could, and I couldn't drive the VW at all because I couldn't feel to shift. Now the VW needs a new battery or a new alternator.

I was very afraid I'd break my fingers doing that, and other things. I wonder if people with this do sometimes take a while to find out they've broken little bones?

I'm tired all the time, I've always been lazy but sometimes I just can't do anything because I'm painfully tired - do I blame MS or is it something else? Malnutrition? I don't want to eat and I don't get hungry. Maybe it's the Claritin (it was).

Now my left leg is continuously registering "warm" about everything it touches. I hope it's not getting ready to go numb entirely.

I used to be horrified when I read about people who had mad cow (oh, okay, CJD). I thought it would be immensely painful to know your brain was being damaged, eaten away, and that it couldn't be stopped, but I don't seem to have the same reaction to my own MRI results with all the big scars in my brain. Maybe it's because this process isn't so destructive. It frightens me to think that it might affect my cognitive functioning and I'm disturbed when I can't remember little things - names and facts. Maybe it's MS damage and will get better, maybe it's just the beginnings of age, maybe there's just too much lead in the drinking water from the Ohio River.

I already had a slight tendency to hypochondriac self-consciousness and this is not helping. I can obsess over for ages.

I still can't type, but at least I know I never could.

I'm starting to get a gray streak along my hairline, I think. Nothing anyone else would notice, only my vanity let me see the beginning of it.

forward or backward or the list of posts